Harry Potter and the Fanfic Cliche of Doom
by NoelleWeasley
Summary: Harry battles the ultimate evil in his sixth year...fanfiction cliches.


Harry Potter and The Fanfic of Doom

_A Moment of Seriousness before the mockery. Just a little bunny I had here. This is meant to be a parody, so please don't flame me about bad grammar or clichéd plot devices. That's the point of parody guys (; Anyway, I hope you have nearly as much fun reading this as I did writing it. And (warning, disclaimer to follow) I'm just playing in someone else's sandbox. I don't own any of it. Especially not Mary Sue._

Harry (or is it really Harold?) James Potter stepped off the Hogwarts Express, ready for the first day of his sixth year of studies. The summer had done wonders for him. For even though he spent the entire summer locked in a small bedroom, having cans of cold soup pushed through a cat flap at irregular hours, Harry Potter had Grown Up. Yes, Harry was officially hott. With 2 ts in case you were wondering. He had grown several inches, putting his final height at around 6'9, two inches taller than his best friend Ron's 6'7". He had also broadened considerably about the shoulders, developed lots of really sexy muscles and somehow acquired contacts. Either that or discovered a 20/20 charm that no one had bothered to previously tell him about. Either way, he didn't wear those icky glasses anymore. Plus his formerly unruly hair had somehow become causally disheveled. All of the female students near by (and Professor Vector…she's a female, right?) swooned. A few fainted.

Harry arrived at the castle, but before he could enter the Great Hall, was approached by Professor McGonagall. In a strange new twist, she had acquired a Scottish accent since last year.

"Mr. Potter," she said in her brand new brogue "My office. Now."

Wondering what he had done to get in trouble so soon, Harry followed her. Once they arrived at her office, McGonagall began to speak (Somehow managing not to swoon at the new Sexy!Harry)

"Harry," She said, uncharacteristically using his first name "There are a few things I need to tell you. But first, would you like some tea."

"No, thank you." Harry said. And waited.

"First of all, we felt it was time to tell you. You are the last living Heir to Godric Griffindor" She went on to explain that this was, in fact, why Voldemort had been determined to kill off the entire Potter line.

Before managing to recover from that shock, she went on to deliver another. "And you are Albus' great-grandson. He was your paternal grandmother's father. Oh dear." She said without missing a beat, "You missed the Sorting! You had better hurry along before the entire Welcoming Feast is over. I hear they are going to sing the school song this year."

And without further ado, Harry hastened to the Great Hall.

As he entered, he spotted Her. Ginny Weasley. Somehow over the summer she had become a Goddess. Despite the fact that he rarely acknowledged her existence prior to this evening, Harry had finally realized that he truly, deeply loved this girl. And then, he realized that, subconsciously he had known it all along. While he thought he had been ignoring her, his subconscious must have been paying close attention, for he discovered he knew every miniscule detail about this wondrous specimen of femininity. From the fact that she liked two-and-a-quarter lumps of sugar stirred in counter clockwise three times in her tea, or that Fred had decapitated her favorite Dollie, Gwendolyn, when she was four…he knew everything! As he rushed to tell this radiantly beautiful creature of his newly discovered love, he was rudely interrupted.

"Hi!" A new girl Bounced up to him. She has waist-length wavy blonde hair and purple eyes. She was 5'9" and her bra size was 32 DDD. She had long legs and tiny feat. She was in short, more beautiful than a Veela. "You must be Harry! I can tell because Im a Seer. My name is Mary Sue! I also had the best grades in my school in everything, and I was the Star Seeker at my old school. I just transferred here this year from America, and I just got sorted into Griffindor!" she babbled. Before Harry could think of a proper response, he was interrupted yet again.

"Oh, Harry, you poor dear!" Another woman rushed up to him. "I just arrived back in the country, and heard what happened to you sixteen years ago! I'm your Godmother, Daisy Evans, your mother's younger sister! I'm sorry I missed your entire life thus far, but I'm going to make it up to you." Before Harry could respond to her either, Remus Lupin came rushing up. Professor Lupin was the Care of Magical Creatures professor this year. (ironic,eh?) Hagrid was on another special mission for the order and would be gone all year. Mainly because I have trouble writing his accent.

Before Harry could respond to this either, Daisy and Lupin were locked in a passionate embrace.

"Hmm." Though Harry. But before he could finish this thought, he was interrupted (yet) again.

"Oh, yeah! Well I love you, you daft idiot!" Hermione screeched at the top of her extremely capacious lungs. Ron gaped at her for 1.6 seconds and then threw her on the table, right in a treacle pudding and began snogging her for dear life.

Seamus promptly pulled out a much battered book. He had begun writing in the aforementioned book somewhere near the beginning of Second Year. "Who had September 1st of this year?"

"Oooh! Ohh!" Colin Creevey jumped on the table. He was still ridiculously small, and needed to be on top of the table for anyone to see him. "I did!" Seamus handed him a large bag of galleons then turned to then next page in his book. "Who wants to put money on the wedding date?" he called. Students began lining up with Galleons in their hands.

"Damn." Harry though. He had 20 Galleons riding on the 2nd. If only they had waited one more day. Before he could pick a date for the new pool, they were interrupted yet again.

Voldemort suddenly appeared in the Hall, surrounded by a dozen Death Eaters. Or Death Nibblers. Or Munchers. Either way, Harry had recently come up with some appropriately insulting but still somewhat cute little nickname for them.

Hermione came up just long enough to say "But you cant apparate into Hogwarts Grounds!" before continuing in her valiant attempt to eat the freckles right off Ron's face.

Fortunately, at that moment, Harry realized what the Power The Dark Lord Knows Not was. He summoned all of the love he had for Ginny, aimed his wand at Moldywart, and yelled out a spell. (Im gonna just let you imagine what spell here rather than attempt to make up a spell or anything, mmkay? If you guys have like some suggestions for this part, that would be kewl cuz I couldn't think of one! Tnx huggles). A beam of light shot from Harry's wand into Voldemort's chest, killing him instantly. All of the Death Eaters died too, at the same time, because of their Dark Marks.

Harry ran to Ginny and kissed her.

The end!

A/n I was thinking of maybe doing a sequel to this or something, but Im not gonna post it until I get 19,000 reviews! So r/r!1!1 or else, you won't get the sequel (ha ha im so evil!)

Oh, and if anyone has an idea for the sequel, lemme know, mmkay? Tnx!


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